Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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