you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
