I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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