And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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