Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
