I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This baby is an asshole
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
