Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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