We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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