I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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