I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have feelings that need drinking.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
