Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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