you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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