I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
