Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
