wrigley field is MILF paradise
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
