I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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