I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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