Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
