If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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