mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
