oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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