I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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