Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
