Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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