i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
People in love make me want to vomit
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
