rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
