the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
