can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
