sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She told me I should be a condom model.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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