woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
