the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
