I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
