I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
