someone get that fucking seahorse.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
