Jerry, you need to find god
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
