I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
