the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
