just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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