are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
