does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
