I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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