He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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