im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
