I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
