It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
