i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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