Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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