In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
