Nicole vs. Life
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
the liver wants what the liver wants
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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