Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
