meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
